Among The Stars
by Pawprinter
Summary: As Clarke takes a night to remember her lost loves, she can't help but think of the stars. She misses them - Finn, Lexa and Bellamy. Even though they are gone, they still are a part of her. [Clarke-centric with mentions to Flarke, Clexa and Bellarke]. Part of November 2017 prompt fills.


_While I have your attention, I would like to give a disclaimer. This fic contains Flarke, Clexa and Bellarke as ships. If you don't like a ship, then don't feel obligated to read! I personally appreciate each ship, so this is why I'm doing a fic focusing on Clarke and how each relationship has impacted her. Thank you for understanding._

 **A/N:**

 **This is dedicated to Skylar Sparks! She gave me the ship Flarke (Finn/Clarke) with the prompt first love.**  
 **This is also dedicated to anonymous on Tumblr, because they asked me to write a Clexa fic. So, here you both are!**

 **NOTE: I have not written for Flarke or Clexa before! I have written plenty for Bellarke. I wanted to do all ships in this fic justice, and I tried _REALLY_ hard. If you don't feel like I've done any ship justice, I am sorry. Please let me know through constructive feedback so I can work on improving. Like I mentioned, I tried really hard to get the essence of these ships correctly.**

 **I would also like to take a moment to acknowledge the wonderful person that pre-read this fic. She gave me fantastic feedback and helped me capture the essence of the ships in this fic. So, a huge thank you to BellaNessieCullen!**

 **Also, I would like to mention that I love each of these ships in their own way. I enjoyed watching the relationships grow on the show!**  
 **They are each special in their own way. I just wanted to mention that I do support and appreciate a large majority of ships on the show. This fic _tries_ to take an unbiased view on these ships.**

 **Warning:** I know that the deaths of some of these characters were difficult. I want to give a warning that this fic does follow canon, therefore those characters that have passed on in canon have passed on here. I also want to give a warning that this fic follows Clarke reminiscing over her lost loves and she does think back to their deaths. If you are not comfortable in reading about their deaths, that is perfectly fine! This fic just might not be the best fit.

 **Thanks for reading that long note. I hope that you enjoy this fic!**

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 **Among The Stars**

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Clarke brushed some of Madi's hair out of her eyes. The young girl's nose twitched as a strand tickled her, but she didn't wake. Clarke chuckled. _That girl could sleep through anything._

The young woman pulled the blanket tighter around her shoulders, shivering when the cold air hit her body. It wasn't quite winter yet, but autumn brought a certain chill to the air that not even the thickest of blankets could mask.

She reached to the equipment beside her, moved the small dish over a few inches, and pulled the radio to her mouth.

"Me again," Clarke began. She cleared her throat and glanced up at the night sky. There were thousands of glittering stars up there, each with planets of its own rotating around it. She wondered how many other life forms there were out there.

Well, she knew someone was up there for sure. She just hoped he was listening.

"Bellamy," she mumbled. "It's been one-thousand and ninety-five days since I last saw you. Three years." She let her head fall back against the rover, intense sadness overwhelming her. "More than halfway done. Just two more years and you'll be back. Two more years until we're all together again." She said, thinking of all of her friends on the Ark. "That is, if you're still alive." She was shocked that those words left her mouth. Of course they were still alive – he was still alive. _He had to be._

Then again, her hope was dwindling. There was only so much hope that someone could have before it got extinguished. _The fire of hope couldn't burn forever._

Clarke sighed and pulled the radio back to her lips.

"I've had a bad day," she admitted. _A really bad day._ Not only did her heart hurt more on this day due to it being the anniversary of their separation, but she couldn't pull her mind away from those that she had already lost. Finn. Lexa. Bellamy. How many people that she loved would she lose? How many more times would her heart have to be broken?

"I miss them," she admitted quietly. Her eyes turned to the sky. "I miss you all." This time, she wasn't referring to her friends on the space station. She was referring to the ones who got away – her lost loves.

Finn, Lexa and Bellamy were all among the stars, yet she was stuck on the ground.

No matter how much time had passed, she could still remember every detail about her lost loves.

 _Finn Collins._

A small smile grew on her face, but her heart grew heavy. He was her first love, and also the first person to break her heart. The name brought a mix of emotions to her.

He caused her so much pain, but he brought her so much joy. He was the man that made her feel free – like there was nothing to worry about in the world.

Clarke shivered, but it wasn't from the cold. It was from the thought of the warm blood of the man she loved trickling down her wrist.

She swallowed hard, forcing her eyes shut, keeping the tears at bay.

Clarke could still feel the pain in her chest. She wasn't sure how much time it would take for her wounds to fully heal. Every time it felt like they were closing, she would lose someone else and they would open up again.

Her shoulders shook as she held back sobs.

No matter what happened, Finn would always be her first love. He would always hold a piece of her heart. When she fell in love with him, he was such a kind and gentle soul. He was loving, caring, and had a strength that she lacked. She might have been strong, but not in the same way. He had the strength to want something and go for it. He had the strength to want peace with the Grounders and try his hardest to get it. He had the strength to stand up to anybody, even her.

That was something she loved so much about him, even if it drove her up a wall. He was an optimist, but that also made him ignorant and naive. He believed peace was possible. He believed that a simple handshake could've stopped a war and saved hundreds of lives. They saw the same situation differently, but, now that she was older and the conflict had passed, she saw how this was a good thing. His insistence for peace and a treaty sent her on her path. He was the one who encouraged her to not let the darkness snuff out the light – he encouraged her to have hope for a better future.

He brought her hope where she needed – he brought her strength where she lacked – he brought her love when she required it the most.

But, with the good memories, also came the bad.

The guilt.

The pain.

 _The bloodshed._

She clenched her teeth and focused her mind.

No.

There wasn't a point on dreading about the past. _The past is the past._ It happened. There was no point in playing that game – the what if game. No matter how she thought of it, it wouldn't change the outcome. There was no point in torturing herself over that.

 _His death._

No matter how hard she tried, she would always carry guilt for what happened. She was the one to push the blade into his chest. She was the one to whisper the last words he would ever hear. She was the one to watch the life leave his eyes – to _feel_ the life leave his body.

How had things changed so quickly? How had things gotten so out of hand?

She missed him. She missed his small smiles and sweet words. She missed his friendship and his guidance.

But she knew he was in a better place. Earth was no place for him. He belonged among the stars.

Just like Lexa.

Her heart grew heavier as she thought about the woman she loved. She might not have been her first love, but that didn't mean that she didn't love her any less. Lexa would always own a large piece of her heart.

Even though their time was brief, she knew she loved her. She fell hard and fast for the Heda. She was a good woman – a strong woman. She was fierce and always did what was best for her people. Clarke aspired to be her, once upon a time. How could she not? She was so fearless and had clear opinions on everything. Just like Finn, she had a strength that Clarke lacked.

Lexa made her who she was. Their love shaped Clarke into the woman she was today, and she was grateful for that. She was grateful for all of the moments they shared and the love they had. Without her, Clarke wouldn't be the same person. Lexa taught her so much about leadership, strength, and love.

One thing that her love for Lexa taught her was to let them know – let them know that you love them. Say it while they are alive. Say it while they are here. _Because you never know when they won't be._ You never know when you might lose them.

Her first impression of the Commander was that she was cold and fearsome. Who would've known that the same woman would hold her entire heart a few months later? Clarke could still remember Lexa's small smiles that she sent her way. Clarke never would have guessed this was where her path would lead her, but she was _so beyond thankful_ for it. Meeting the Commander and falling in love with her was one of the best things she did.

One thing that Clarke had valued and been amazed at was Lexa's ability to change and adapt. _She changed so much in the short time of their relationship._ Lexa grew as a person as their relationship grew stronger. She tried to show her people a more peaceful way of life.

It still made Clarke's heart grow warm. Lexa had done so much for her own people, as well as Clarke's. In the end, she had sacrificed so much to be a good leader. She had sacrificed so much for them.

 _Even her life._

Clarke stiffened as she recalled her death. The pain was fresh and it stung like glass to the heart. She still remembered the blood flowing out of her, soaking the bed. Their whispered words as the life left her eyes. The peace that Lexa felt about dying and the fear Clarke had.

She still struggled to come to terms with Lexa's death. With Finn, Clarke knew what the outcome was going to be. _She_ was the one with fate in her hands. She was the one to kill the man she loved.

With Lexa, it was all different. Unlike Finn, she wasn't trying to kill her. _She didn't have fate in her hands._ She was trying to save her. She was desperately hoping she would grasp fate and be able to save the woman she loved. But fate had been cruel that day.

 _That_ was the difference. She had prepared herself to lose Finn. She had known he was going to die moments before it happened. With Lexa, she wasn't prepared to lose her. She never thought about her life without her. Until her last breath, she was still holding on to hope for a solution – for a saviour.

 _That never came._

Could she had saved her if she had the proper medical supplies? Could she had saved her if she wasn't in so much shock and so scared? Could she have prevented the outcome?

Once again, she reminded herself that the past was the past – nothing in the world could change that. No amount of thoughts or pleas could bring anyone back from the dead. Why bother torturing herself over alternate versions of the same event? Why bother torturing herself over how she could've prevented their deaths?

Finn was dead. Lexa was dead. They were never coming back.

It was the terrible and horrible truth.

Clarke's lip trembled. She hid her pain for far too long. She convinced herself that she had to be strong for everyone else, so she locked up her pain.

But that was done. That was over.

 _She hurt and she wasn't afraid to show it anymore._ There was nobody to protect, there was nobody to fight. It was her time to grieve. It was her time to heal.

She never really thought about the several stages of grief before, but she realized how true they were. She had finally accepted what had happened, even if it hurt her beyond belief.

No matter how much she missed them – no matter how much she wanted to see them again, it wasn't possible. Their time on this planet had passed. Just like her other lost love, Lexa was among the stars.

She could almost imagine Lexa's voice. _Don't be silly, Clarke, I'm not among the stars. My spirit lives on through the Flame._

And how true that was.

"They lived good lives," Clarke said into the radio. "Short lives, mind you. Too short. They didn't deserve their pain. They were good people." She paused. "You're a good person, Bellamy. I don't know if you can hear me, but… I hope you're okay. I hope you're alive."

Because, really, he was among the stars too. Not in the same way that Finn and Lexa were, but he was still a lost love of hers.

She hoped he came back to her.

While she had accepted the losses of Finn and Lexa, she couldn't accept his yet. She had to believe that he was alive. She had to have hope, even if that possibility was so tiny. _Finn taught her that._ She couldn't give up.

Even though all three of them were gone, they were a part of her in different ways. They each shaped her into the person she was today, and she would always be thankful for that. She would always value and be thankful for the time they spent together. Even though Finn and Lexa were gone, they were still a part of her.

"I love you." _Lexa taught her that – say it before it's too late._ This time, she directed to all of her lost loves. _No matter how long they were gone for, they would each hold a piece of her heart._

She set the radio down and turned back to Madi. She ran her fingers through her hair once again before closing her eyes and settling down for sleep.

Her last thought before the darkness came was of the stars.

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 **Please let me know your feedback in a comment below! I really hope I managed to capture these relationships properly.**

 **I just want to say this. Ship whoever you want! Each ship has something special to them. If you see only one of these ships in this fic as platonic, okay! That's completely fine. You are the reader - you can interpret it however you please.**

 **The way I see it (and the way I hope I portrayed it) is that Clarke has been impacted by all of the events in her life and all of the relationships in her life. Finn, Lexa and Bellamy each impacted her in a different way and shaped her to become the woman she is today. In real life, you can love more than one person in your lifetime - why can't Clarke? I like to think of those relationships as being a piece to a puzzle - when put together (along with many other pieces), Clarke is formed.**

 _I wanted to mention briefly why Niylah wasn't in this fic. It is nothing against her or her relationship with Clarke. Simply, it was because she isn't in the stars like the other three._

 **Thanks for reading!**


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